Finding Peace: Working with my inner child and claiming my freedom
I know it's often frowned upon for brands to make super personal posts, but the intersection of art and commerce is confusing and I think it's time that we write our own rules a little bit.
In the last month I have made many great strides towards progress and change within my inner most being. I have been on this healing journey for quite some time, and it feels like it's finally time to put my swords down and live my actual real life.
You see, when you are in an abusive household, especially as a child, you never have the freedom to choose what kind of person you would like to be. Your entire existence is based upon survival. Coping with toxic environments to survive, which is no small task. You are entirely consumed, unable to truly explore and be free in the ways a child needs to in order to fully develop into an adult with their own interests and opinions and lives.
Through doing EMDR I have been able to really heal deeply into my energetic body, and very drastically change the way I feel in my body. No longer is chaos the only option. The path towards peace and happiness is illuminated.
I'm not saying that you have to heal to find peace and happiness. I am beginning to really see the toxic cycle that is the constant new age obsession with healing. Healing and manifesting, two topics that will sell out those online courses every time. Everyone wants that quick easy hack to changing their lives. But really, there is no quick easy hack.
I started healing because I knew that if I wanted to be able to live my life the way I wanted to live it, I had to figure out how to not do the things to my kids that happened to me. I wanted my children to grow up in a house where substance abuse wasnt present, where the parents could openly and freely love one another. Where all voices were heard and listened to, and where there is a general sense of freedom to become who you are supposed to be, not who someone else thinks you should be. No dogma, no verbal abuse, no disrespect.
Turns out when you seek to end cycles of abuse in your family it gets spiritual real fast. Working with the ancestors has brought exponential healing into my life. It's actually almost 1 year since I have started an ancestor veneration practice, and it has been the most transformational year of my life.
Last May I returned to my hometown to see my father for the first time in four years. Our relationship has never been good. Apparently It's my fault he didnt want to spend time with me. I went in not really knowing what to expect. I always hoped that something would change, that maybe he would wake up and have the ability to look inwardly and take some responsibility for his part in the childhood trauma I had. But as it went, nothing changed. He was the same person he's always been. And it broke my heart.
I left that visit knowing that things would never be the same. That whatever tied me to him and the life I thought I could have if things were different was unraveling. I was finally able to truly finish grieving the loss of a parent who hasnt passed away yet. I say finish, but I dont think one ever truly finishes grieving that loss until they are finally put to rest, we shall see that plays out in time.
Over the next year, I took my EMDR processing very seriously. Its a form of psychotherapy that relies on bilateral stimulation of the physical body while revisiting and revisioning traumatic memories. I dont know how it actually works but it feels more like a magical, energy healing than any other kind of procedure Ive ever participated in.
In the last month I found the poison in my body. I found where the lack hides. How it coiled itself deep down in the belly of my solar plexus, fighting every step of the way to being released. Through EMDR I have these visions of great healing. Where I can feel these sensations in my body as I revisit traumatic memories. Sensations of a black sludge being removed from my body with a radiant golden light. I see past and present versions of myself becoming friends and learning how to work together. I have contact with arcangels like Michael and Azrael. It sounds absolutely insane but I will swear to my grave that this is real.
When the sessions are done and the poison is gone, I feel light. Like everything before that moment was something silly. Like I can't believe that I used to walk around with the weight of that shame and sorrow inside my belly and thought I was fine. Like I am one step closer to freedom. True freedom to be who I am supposed to be. I have the choice now to be who I am supposed to be and there isnt this darkness holding me back anymore.
The darkness fought tooth and nail to stay. It was very intense during the weeks leading up to its final expulsion. I had intense thoughts of suicidal ideation, shame that racked my body, emotionally triggered 90% of the time. I am thankful for my support team and previous therapy work to be armed with healthy coping skills to survive this period of time. I thought the darkness within me was permanent and that I should just lean into it. Like it was fated or something.
I dont know if i believe in fate, but I do believe this poison lives in a lot of us. That feeling of never being good enough, deep shame, being unlovable. Child abuse in my opinion is one of the greatest silent pandemics happening in our world. The lack of love in a child's early developmental stages have life long impacts. True unconditional love is so foundational to being a healthy, well functioning adult.
I have struggled a lot this year too with allowing this final boss level of healing to be what im doing. I still struggle with such ingrained capitalistic values that if I am not producing then I am worthless. I finally am able to see that the work I have been doing has been very important, and while it doesn't come with a bi-weekly direct deposit payment into my bank account, the value is in being free to live my life as I want it.
Where I am now is a place of levity. A place where I can be grateful for the past Sabina, because she survived. She survived and got out, got better, and lives to tell the tale. She paved the way for current sabina to feel light in her body. To feel free to be exactly who she is supposed to be. She never gave up.
Today I seek peace in all situations. I hold space for sacred rage as a way to tell me whats wrong, and dont allow any outside energy to determine how I react and feel inside my own body.
I hope you all a lovely month of May, or whenever you are reading this, I wish blessings on your life. Thank you for reading this far, your support means a lot. <3